Erm, hello. I'm Simon. My mates call me Si.

I go to a fairly uninspiring school in a fairly uninspiring town. What can I tell you about Rudge Park? Well last year one kid wrapped a bike chain around Tony Garner's head because he tried to start a drama club. It's fair to say it's not a great school.

Part of the reason I stayed on was because the real nutters always leave after Year 11. Unfortunately someone forgot to pass this news on to Mark Donovan, so what's actually happened is that the pool of people he can bully has been massively reduced. Which if anything means I'm now much more likely to go the way of Tony Garner.

But it's probably worth it just to get the opportunity to see Carli D'Amato every single day. She's smart and funny and unbelievably hot. She's amazing. OK, I know she’s out of my league, but Christ, she's out of everyone's league. Stranger things have happened...

I can't think of any specific examples right now, but I know if I just spend some quality time around her, she'll start to see me for who I really am. And if I'm really lucky, I might get a sneaky look down her top when she's not looking.”

— Simon Cooper, Profile